Another headline, this from the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, has it all over the pasta assault guy. It reads, “Man Nabbed After Hitting Girlfriend With Sandwich.”

Hey, anyone can attack with a nice, sturdy metal pot. Takes a genius to appreciate the offensive potential of portable meal solutions.

The scene, per the Sun-Sentinel: girlfriend driving down interstate with no-good boyfriend sitting next to her. She irritates him somehow. Maybe she suggests they spend the afternoon shopping for drapes instead of sitting at the bar watching football. Anyway, he hits her with the sandwich he is holding, knocking off her glasses and almost causing an accident.

The police refused to divulge the type of sandwich used in the assault, according to the article. We can only speculate. We doubt it was one of those traditional Wonder Bread things. Not ergonomic enough and comes apart too easily. More likely it was either a wrap (a whole one, not a half) or some kind of sub, either a six-inch or, better yet, a footlong. Anything longer and it would be too unwieldy in a tight car cab. The footlong you can swing like a billy club, get good range of motion and still make solid contact while probably not losing more than a couple tomato slices and some shreds of lettuce.

The upshot: a domestic battery charge, a confiscated sandwich (material evidence) and, no doubt, long lonely nights on a friend's couch.

Bet he wishes somebody would cook HIM a macaroni dinner…